Back in the day I used to go to lots of raves. This one in particular was in November 2002, in a massive marquee set up in a huge field somewhere in the South of England. At that time I was 17 and experimenting with quite a few different drugs, I can’t remember exactly what I was on that night but it would most likely be a mixture of MDMA, Mushrooms, Ketamine, and 2CB.
It got to about 3am and due to the fact it was really cold outside and there were hundreds of sweaty ravers going for it in the marquee, it started raining inside. Yes, all the dirty raver sweat was condensing on the cold marquee ceiling, and raining back down. Now even in my inebriated state I knew this was fully rank, despite most of the other ravers taking it as a once in a lifetime euphoria moment and actually catching the drops in their mouths. Massively grossed out by this, I decided to head out in the field and take a walk.
Now if you’ve ever taken 2CB you’ll know you can pretty much stare at anything and find it thoroughly entertaining. So I was walking across this field kicking my way through low lying fog, and absolutely loving it. At which point I decided to take a piss in the middle of the field. Whilst standing there taking a piss and admiring the shapes being made by the steam coming off said piss, I notice what looks like a massive piece of driftwood lodged in the ground sticking almost upright about 10 meters infront of me. I decided to investigate.
Once I’d finished my mammoth piss, I strolled up to the driftwood to examine it. It was huge, about the size of a railway sleeper, and properly lodged in the ground almost as if Thor had decided to lob down some wood rather than his normal bolts of lightning.
As I was stood debating where this wood had come from in an otherwise empty field, I noticed that on one of the sides there was a tiny red light kinda like an LED slowly blinking on and off. As I was studying this tiny red light it began to move up and down the wood very slowly. I watched it do this many times, up and down, up and down… This really threw me, and I started debating whether or not the wood, and the light were really there at all, there’s no reason for such a tiny moving light, and where is the electricity coming from in this empty field? Could this be just be a ridiculously vivid, but otherwise massively boring hallucination?
Then my mate gave me a shout to come back in the tent and I decided before I head back in, I needed to get to the bottom of this conundrum once and for all.
So I decided to kick the little red light really hard, as at the time that seemed the most logical way of determining if something was real or not. As I connected the little red light, it exploded into the most beautiful firework display. Splintering off into billions of tiny red sparkles, and I was hit with an amazing wave of euphoria. This euphoria didn’t last long as it was pierced by a horrible booming voice from the heavens shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” As I heard this, all the trippyness fell away, kinda like a heat wave shimmer, including the wood, and the red light, to reveal an angry geezer stood over his girlfriend, with the girlfriend holding her mouth. The red light was her fucking cigarette.
Not only had I taken a piss right infront of them, then walked over and stared at them in silence for what could’ve been 10-15 minutes for all I know. I’d then finished off by booting the girl square in the face.
TL;DR: I thought a girl was a magical piece of wood, and kicked her in the mouth to prove it.